Scripture Revelation 6:1-8
Then I saw the Lamb open one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, “Come!” [“Go!”] I looked, and there was a white horse! Its rider had a bow; a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer.
When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature call out, “Come!” [“Go!”] And out came [“went”] another horse, bright red; its rider was permitted to take peace from the earth, so that people would slaughter one another; and he was given a great sword.
When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature call out, “Come!” [“Go!”] I looked, and there was a black horse! Its rider held a pair of scales in his hand, and I heard what seemed to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures saying, “A quart of wheat for a day’s pay, [“denarius”] and three quarts of barley for a day’s pay,[“denarius”] but do not damage the olive oil and the wine!”
I looked and there was a pale green horse! Its rider’s name was Death, and Hades followed with him; they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword, famine, and pestilence, and by the wild animals of the earth.
Meditation
There are two approaches you can take to the Book of Revelation. You can read it as a prophetic Word based on events that have already taken place. Or, you can read it as a prophetic Word based on events that have not happened yet. Prophecy, after all, is not fortune-telling. Prophecy is truth-telling, and that cuts both ways—understanding the past, and seeing what’s coming based on the events we see right now. The choice you make—whether you choose to believe it’s about the past or the future—determines whether you see it as a book of comfort, or a book of fear.
I believe the visions of Revelation are based on past events, and I believe the book was written to bring comfort and hope. It was most likely written after the siege of Jerusalem, during which the Imperial Roman army seized the city and destroyed both city and Temple. The book describes the sorrow and loss resulting from the destruction of the place most holy to Jews.
The siege of Jerusalem was horrible. The Roman army was fierce, and brutal, and blood flowed in the streets. “Revelation” and “apocalypse” mean the same thing: uncovering, revealing. The vision of the four horsemen reveals the brutality that was ready to blanket the world in death and destruction.
In modern terms, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” have shown up in all kinds of places. Shortly before Christmas in 1996, I saw this tabloid while standing in the check-out line at Wegman’s, and I knew it was a keeper. (Tabloids generally are on the side of scaring you to death.)
They’ve shown up elsewhere, though, and I find this appearance fascinating and helpful. They’ve shown up in the work of clinical Psychologist John Gottman, an expert in human relationships, especially intimate ones.
Gottman has something he calls “the love lab.” It’s basically an apartment. Couples who are struggling with their relationship stay in the lab for 48 to 72 hours, and all their conversations are recorded. By the end of their stay, Gottman can predict with something like 98% accuracy whether their marriage will make it, or whether their relationship is unraveling. He predicts this based on the presence or absence of four dynamics in their interactions. He calls these, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of relationships. The Four Horsemen are always a sign of death, destruction. Their appearance in communication reveals a brokenness that can lead to the death of the relationship.
They are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
The first horseman is Criticism. Criticism isn’t the same as offering a critique, or complaining about something that has upset you. In those instances, you’re talking about behaviors. But when you criticize, you’re talking about the person. “You always” and “You never” are frequently found in criticism—a signal that you’re telling the person that you’ve given up on them, that you’ve boiled them down to this behavior. If you find you’re criticizing someone you care about—don’t panic. It happens. But when it becomes your main mode of communication—that’s when it should sound an alarm.
The second horseman is contempt. Contempt is communication that is mean—it can include eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling. When you communicate with contempt, you make the other person feel worthless. And get this—couples who communicate with contempt have more colds and flu than those who don’t—this stuff’s bad for your health! And, if we’re talking about couples—contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
The third horseman is defensiveness. When I first learned about these behaviors years ago, I could only ever remember three out of the four. Finally I realized, I was forgetting the one I am most often guilty of. Defensiveness is often a response to criticism—even perceived criticism. I’ve been defensive in situations in which I’m pretty sure the person wasn’t criticizing me at all. Anyway, defensiveness only escalates conflict; it doesn’t help to move through it, because it is a way to blame the other person for whatever you’re unhappy about.
And the fourth horseman is stonewalling. On Gottman’s website, it’s described this way:
Stonewalling “is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding… Rather than confronting the issues… people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.”
When you’re stonewalling, you’re flooded with negative emotion, and it paralyzes your ability to respond at all. So, you just go away.
And, though Gottman identifies these behaviors as being problematic in marriages and intimate partnerships, they are deadly to friendships, too—and relationships between colleagues, between members of organizations, between members of faith communities… any situation that depends on healthy communication undertaken with goodwill.
So. The four horsemen show up in all kinds of places, as I’ve mentioned. But all is not lost. Relationships can begin to unravel, but there are tools we can use to weave them back together again. Scripture offers some particularly strong tools. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul reminds us that, above all, love is patient, and love is kind. Gottman offers some tools that are found under the umbrella of patience and kindness.
Criticism stings and bites; but gently expressing our feelings can open a conversation. Contempt degrades and undermines our connection, but making a sincere effort to notice and affirm the things we appreciate about the other person builds up a connection, and strengthens it. Defensiveness bites back, but finding the patience and goodwill within to take responsibility for our shortcomings enables us to grow and mature.
Stonewalling requires a different approach. It’s a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed. That’s a physiological response—it’s happening in our bodies—and it requires physiological first aid. Gottman discovered this in the famous love lab by interrupting couples about 15 minutes into intense fighting, by claiming the recording equipment was malfunctioning and needed to be adjusted. The couples were told not to discuss their issues, but to simply sit and read magazines until they could roll cameras again. When they resumed? Their heart rates had lowered, they were calmer, and they were able to talk about their issues more positively. When you feel yourself stonewalling, the best intervention is to take a break, and doing something soothing and pleasant for a little while.
There’s another tool, but it’s not in the Gottman playbook. It’s found in our playbook. How many times, Peter ask Jesus, ought we to forgive one another? Seven times? Jesus’ response was shocking. Seventy-seven! He said. Seventy TIMES seven! In other words, don’t keep score. Forgive. Forgive one another.
(I do want to clarify: Situations of abuse are different. This is not your pastor telling you to forgive ongoing mental, spiritual, or physical abuse—don’t use Jesus’ words to stop you from getting the help you need to protect yourself. Get help. Let me help you to get help.)
Sometimes it does seem like everything is unraveling. At home, on the news. The losses pile up, and our grief has nowhere to go. A prime time for communication to be more challenging than ever. But we can still choose to engage one another—spouses, parents, children, co-workers, strangers online—with patience, and kindness. We can choose not to let these particular four horsemen ride roughshod over the precious connections we have with one another. We can choose patience, and kindness, and forgiveness. We must.
Thanks be to God. Amen.